Gareth Ashmore
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On the
28th of September some friends and I went down to the Beaconsfield tavern
to witness Flashing Tablet and Creaks in the Inflammable Stairs, undoubtable
two of the four greats bands in Perth. Unfortunately we didn't get to
see any bands, instead we played pool, pin-ball, and I interviewed Gareth
(Ex-Ingrid) about his band, zine and life as a Perth icon.
Pig: Before this interview starts you would like it to be known
that you are Gareth Ashmore of Hot Bakery Items (HBI) and not Gareth Gorman
of X-Press.
Gareth: That's right.
Pig: You've lost your dog (see HBI #3 -Ed).
Gareth: I've lost my dog but I found him. It cost me $50 to get
him out of the pound. So I'm not very rich at the moment.
Pig: Why are you in here with a big stick?
Gareth: It's my new instrument. I'm learning it.
Pig: How long have you been playing the didgeridoo.
Gareth: I bought it last Tuesday (20th September - Ed.) We wrote
a song on the weekend called "The man who just bought a didgeridoo
who can't really play it."
Pig: Your band "Creaks in the Inflammable Stairs" (CITIS)
doesn't that name come from a book ?
Gareth: No that's from a dream I had. Kim Williams from House of
Wax came to me in a dream and said "You are the creaks in the inflammable
stairs", my hair was on fire at the time. I woke up and thought "that's
the name of the band."
Pig: I had a dream that Baby John Burgers was floating naked with
an erection above me in my bed.
Gareth: That's a common dream. It actually means that you want
John Burgers in bed with you. It's a common occurrence, it happens to
everyone now and then.
Pig: I've read the creaks in the inflammable stairs in a book.
Gareth: Oh, it is from a book. that's where I got it from. I forgot.
I think it's from a Tom Wolfe book. The Candy...no, the candy coloured...
Pig: The Electric Coolaid Acid Test?
Gareth: Yeah, that's it. I thought it was the the tangerine streamline
flake baby or something...
Pig: That's another one of his books. Electric Coolaid Acid Test
was about Ken Keasey and his Mary Pranksters. It contained the CITIS line.
Gareth: I would love to go to San Fran cisco and go to the Haight/Astbury
district and run into some Helter Skelter.
Pig: Some hairy old men, who used to take LSD in the 60's.
Gareth: Yeah.
Pig: CITIS were supposed to play the Loft for their first gig (15th
July) what happened?
Gareth: Ah man. That was Chris Gorman's fault, I blame him totally.
He drank too much beer one night and went around to the Loft and harassed
the Loft manager so the Loft cancelled Mustang and cancelled us at the
same time. The manager didn't like Chris Gorman or Mustang from that point
onwards. That's why they had to move to Melbourne, the Loft people were
after them.
Pig: Tell us about your other gigs.
Gareth: Our first gig we played really badly at the Lone Star because
we were nervous. Our second gig we played at a party were I cut my feet
a couple of times because I wasn't wearing any shoes and their was lots
of broken glass. There was also lots of fights between sixteen and seventeen
year old yobbos drinking beer and being very nasty, beating up bouncers
and police. Our third gig was at the campus band competition were the
canteen ladies went up to the mixing deck and said (in a high pitched
voice) "Stop, turn it down, it's making me sick," so we had
some good complaints.
Pig: I assume you didn't win then?
Gareth: We got beaten by a Things of Stone and Wood band. They
were called Virgil. they all wore the same type of tops, stripey tops,
they were all tucked in and had nice long hair. Like your hair Nick.
Pig: I'm in that band. Tonight was supposed to be your fourth gig,
why was it cancelled?
Gareth: I blame Flashing Tablet totally. I blame the Beaconsfield one
half and my didgeridoo the other half. (The mixer wasn't told their was
to be a gig and couldn't be contacted - Ed). Terry (our drummer) and I
snuck into the Eagles game on the weekend and we got abused by every person
we saw, which was about 10,000 people.
Pig: Why is that?
Gareth: For not wearing shoes, for standing in the isles, for not
having tickets, for not wearing Eagles T-shirts.
Pig: You have written love letters to the people at the Harvey
(another zine - Ed)...
Gareth: I have written many letters to the people of the Harvey.
Pig: Did they reply?
Gareth: No! They just insulted me in public.
Pig: Do you feel ashamed?
Gareth: No, I got my own back. I accidentally hit Deborah's breast
on the weekend and apologised.
Pig: You also brought out Hot Bakery Items.
Gareth: It's a zine that tastes good, it's healthy, and good for
you.
Pig: You have just brought out issue number 3. It's getting big
and thick, what can we expect in the future?
Gareth: Each issue is going to be twice the size of the last. The
first one was two pages, the second one was four pages, this ones got
eight pages, the next one will be sixteen pages. The next one will be
just me telling a story.
Pig: What are your plans for the future?
Gareth: I'm going to Europe in February for a year. I'm going to
take my didgeridoo and busk. I going to go to Italy, Greece and Russia
as well.
Hot Bakery Items Presents: Your guide to the good stuff
Hot bakery items are so common in today's ferrel food society; think it's time to give you a small but helpful bit of some HBI's, what they represent and what they can do for you! here it is kids...
Vanilla Slice: These tasty items are not only filled with custard, but are also covered by a lovely covering of icing (usually white or pink in colour). The vanilla slice is a very social item that dates back to the ice age where men and prehistoric monsters were prehistoric! Biting into your first vanilla slice is more memorable then your first time naked with your auntie.
Bee Sting: A very yummy item indeed. Cream custard nuts and honey makes this sweet very enjoyable. If you are bald or have cancer then eat a bee sting twice daily and in no time you'll have hair and an active sex life again.
Donought: It's round with a hole in the middle and can be coated with stuff or just left plain. This item is good for practising pelvic thrusts with. Stick your erect penis through the hole and bang away. WARNING! If you have a big penis you may break the donought, rendering it un-eatable.
Apple Strudel: The contents of this item are old scraps found on the bakers floor, thrown together with some apple and pastry. It looks real dirty but tastes good and is better hot with ice cream. It's an old bakers tale that if you eat a whole strudel then vomit you can tell your future by reading the waste products.
A good thing about Hot Bakery Items is that they are good for you and do not contain any meat. Remember endorse the Hot Bakery Items association for the Socially Active and Overweight Smack Addicts, cause if you don't, who will?
By Gareth (Mr HBI.)
Gareth was last contactable at: 13 Stormon Ridge, Winthrop 6150, W.A.